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Some happy simple things...

Even though it's just a simple dinner, I am really happy...along the way back to hall, i got a pack of mix-&-match bcos I am happy...and my roomie said i am like a kid-.- oh wells...a kid i shall be then, it's alright...

Anw, congrats panda! U are slowly realizing yr dream of becoming a great dancer, one step at a time:) I am glad and proud of u!

My Hero Dad

Why did everything seem to change overnight......maybe just that I failed to acknowledge the reality all these while...

The declination of health tt comes with ageing still eventually, caught up with my dad...From a 16 years old youngster, my dad started helping out at the fruit stall as he doesn't want to see his dad (my grandpa) having it tough at his age. In a whisk of time, 44 years had past...freaking 44 years in the same line of business, how many of us can achieve such a feat?
Time has come and go, buildings have came up and down, chomp chomp has underwent renovations here and there...one thing that doesn't change, a glass of watermelon juice still cost $1 as it was decades ago...reason being, "easier to collect" according to my dad. Likewise, all other fruit juices cost $1.50, even for mixed juices...where else in Singapore can one find such cheap juices?

What's more amazing? With this little stall of selling fruit juices at $1/$1.50, a man raised up his family of 4 children, his wife, and also taking care of his parents till they passed on...with an average monthly income of around $1.5k last time, and around $2k in recent years. Can anyone imagine raising 4 kids in these days whilst earning that amount of income? It's pretty tough for my dad, but well...he did it. His children have now grown up; 2 elder daughters are working to earn their keep, 2 younger boys are now serving NS, I am one of the boy. Give the boys a few more years, they be ready to take care of their parents who slogged their whole lives for the family, say another 4,5 years?

I won't mind taking care of my dad n mum, even if I were to not set up my own family years down the road...really.

Anyway, my dad slogged all these years at the stall, spending more than 12hrs daily on the business, working almost daily...especially when I was young. To see my dad not doing business one day was like a gift from heaven, that rare...not at all exaggerating. The opportunity cost? I guess it's the surface kinship tt's forgone...ties between us and dad don't seem to be strong, at least on the surface...but deep down, I know that we still care and love each other, it's just not explicit.

Dad has fallen sick now, perhaps due to the toil that he always never felt within him...I seriously hope it's just because of overworking himself and that he can recover by resting well these few days and adopting a slower-paced lifestyle and not being so hardcore with the business. PLEASE do not let any chronic disease befall upon my dad!

I still have not fulfil my due responsibility as a son, and I do not want to lose this opportunity...sincerely.

A lil' achievement:)

Okay, it's really a little achievement here that I am writing about...coming in 2nd during Friday Battalion Run, a 6km run with a timing of 29min20secs:) Coming before me was a new officer, and right behind me was a sergeant...all 3 of us with difference in seconds only.

I am somehow proud of myself too, actually for coming in between an officer and a sergeant. All along, my fellow medically unfit colleagues have been telling me that we should not engage in such exercises, because it 'spoils' market...but I seriously disagree with that kind of thinking. I know I can do it, I believe I can do it...but why must I b tied to such immature mindset of theirs all these while...so nowadays, I learn to live for myself more and less for others, at least in this issue...and there, I proved that medically unfit is just a historical incident (at least for me:p), and not a permanent disability. Those who adopts that 'spoil' market thinking declares themselves a permanent disabled status.

Alrite, hopefully I can do well for Mizuno Wave Run next week!:)
My gosh...this is a rubbish week! This colleague of mine challenged me to a confrontation which was totally a minor issue. It's just purely a miscommunication, whereby he said a "why?" which I heard "yes" to my request posted to him. He accused me of ignoring him afterwards when my supervisor made that same request to him, and he was upset that I got my supervisor to go to him, which I did not. Firstly, I did not ignore him intentionally. To me, I heard an affirmative answer to my request and that's it, as simple as that and I continued with my job. If he felt that I ignored his question, he could have raised it again instead of continuing his nap during office hour and later blaming me for all these. Secondly, I did not invite my supervisor to him, my supervisor went to him on her own accord when she realises that the request had not been fulfilled, and I told her the message had been passed. Thirdly, it's really a simple request, what is the problem with him to not proceed with the request made? I have briefly described to him the situation when I made the request to him, so...is it his command of english is so poor that he can't understand human english or is it becos he was in a delirium from his nap that he catches no ball of what I was saying? Does he need to ask "why" again, when I just mentioned the reason of the request seconds ago? Seriously, he's a control freak...just like the way he controlled his Ex(es)...when tgt, they had sex...when break up, he called her a "bitch" aka female dog...so does that mean he's a male dog or he's a human that had sex with a female dog???

Worse of all, he still dare to ask my supervisor later on in the day that why is it that I never apologise to him?!?! Kns, let me put it clear...the day I apologise to you on this matter, will be the day I roll UP the stairs to our bunk. Get it? It means over my body, impossible...u freaking selfish, overly-sensitive, petty, porfessional freak.

Seriously, I have enough of you selfish prick...the entire world knows about yr selfishness, stop living in self-denial that you are not one...
See...you sensed it, the distant that's growing between us. You felt it though you are miles away, just like I felt here, almost at the same time.

Why is it that we are always stuck in this vicious cycle? You are always hoping that we be good friends, and not normal friends. I tried, didn't I? For the past months (almost a year), I tried to be there for you everytime I could, even at times when you had some problems with him...but what happened in the end? I ended up getting lost of my heading, not aware of what I am landing myself into...not even conscious to the question of yr status with him! I had to be reminded by Bb, Mao they all...before I realise that I have been missing out on this impt qn.

So the situation is this...I see, or rather think of u as single (fine, den i shall b thr for u as yr gd frz to care for u), but on yr side, you are enjoying the best of both worlds, in the companion of him and me (when you very well know that I never like to come between both of you right from the start when you and him got tgt)...only to apologise in an email for causing the unhappiness and hurt, which I supposed you are referring to the reality that I woke up to after asking about the status of you and him. Yes indeed, I do not need to hear that apology of yrs...you could have saved on it if you had put yrself in my shoes and thought about my disappointment shld one day I woke up from the fantasy of being your 'good friend'.

When I asked about yr status with him...yr reply was, "alrite lor...are you going to keep a distance away from me again?" What am I suppose to infer from this? Just becos you want to keep me as yr gd frz, you portrayed to me that you are single? Seriously, I am confused...am I to blame myself for assuming you were single, or is it becos u misled me into the assumption? Aren't you being too selfish like this?

Being your good frz is a hefty price to pay, the disappointment to pay at the end of each installment is too heavy...this is the last installment that I am paying.

Distant, distance

22nd August, a significant day 4 full years ago...seems very distant from now. I am feeling fine, the day just went by like that happily with Kaden in the morning, Bryan and Sarah in the afternoon and shopping with my mum in the evening...

Everything about her just felt so distant already, literally and metaphorically...I don't think anything can be done to salvage...(I can't even call it a friendship anymore). Life's indeed an irony, somebody that I felt so strongly for for so long can actually felt so distant in a couple of weeks' time O.o

Wells, that's life...


Okay, just send buddy off at the airport in the early morning:)

Ask me what feelings do I have now...actually it's not tt bad, as I imagined myself to be last time. No wonder there's the saying that whenever u feel that what you are going through is the toughest, it's actually not...

The impact tt came to me when I knew Yx and buddy are going for couple of mths of exchange program this year were horrible, that I concluded that this year is not a good year for me, right at the start of this year, lols...tt's how extreme I was then.

Like what mao and fen was saying this morning...the two most impt frzs in my life are now away...tt's a very harsh imagery portrayed to me months ago...but now that the time has come, the impact is v much milder, fortunately. Looking back at the past few mths, I think it has been quite a dark period for me. Perhaps tt's why...I am immune to feeling upset, that things can never be as bad as before...wells, in any way...both of them are away pursuing their dream and desires that they wanted, so I have no reason to be upset. I would also pursue my desires if I have the opportunity to do so:)

I have to be independent from now on. It's a good thing:)

Happy Day:)

Today was a good day:) There's no particular reason to pin-point...it just felt good to me, which is really good, considering that it's seldom that I felt that way, lols...

The day started off with some hiccups regarding duties, and led to a point whereby I have to stand up and sacrifice myself again. Yea, again...but fortunately, things took a change and I was spared the duty. I was still pretty busy though x.x

N so, after despatch task in the afternoon, I realise I had too much time on hand. I can't go home, because I got duty tomorrow (which is why I am journaling now, so that I can knock out during the boring duty:p) and I arranged a movie date with Chia Yu in the evening, a couple of hours on hand for myself, really myself:) Leisurely took a bus ride to Clementi and enjoyed the sceneries along the way; Stertch of West Coast Park, Haw Par Villa, Pasir Panjang...all these bring back memories of Serve Batam peeps' bbq and trekking with Soon Kiat last time:) By fate, and I mean really fate...met Jie Tao at Clementi Stn. JT was my OOT frz, (out-of-training) from BMT, haha...nth to be proud of, but yea, days when we slogged for the Jaguars were smth to be proud of. Significantly, he jus POC today from recourse, and was on the way home..and I supposed seeing me made his POC even meaningful, lols...he was coming down the escalator, while I was going up...I was so delighted to see him that I went against the escalator by jumping and jumping...Oh my goodness, pple were shocked to see me doing that, as if I saw my gf...which turns out to be a army boy-.- Congrats to JT for POC-ing!

Continuing my journey, I reached CCK at 4pm. My sis wasn't home yet, so I couldn't go her hse. I ended up going to library and borrowed some books, books I find meaningful...such as "politics of virginity", which I was really interested by reading the synopsis, haha...probably I will do a book review here after reading:) Afterwhich, I went to my favourite Wang Cafe just outside the stn, and had my dinner at 4.30pm. Sounds early...but heck, I was famished...the food there is actually so-so, coffee also...but dunno why, I just like to hang myself there, at coffeehouse...reading my books, doing my stuff and giving the whole world a damn of what happened:p Amazingly, another army frz named Kevin called me to say he just POC from his recourse too, so nice and sweet of him to call me specifically to inform me:) Seems like today I am very fated with my re-coursee frzs, wonderful...oh yea, congrats to Kevin too!

Basically, this was my day today...simple, nice, peaceful, gleeful...super satisfied:)

Worth? Not worth?

Is it worth it? Is it worth it? I really dunno...all along, my imagination of love for someone is very simple, perhaps too simple. I just felt that being able to do smth for her to let her be happy is also a blessing for me. Yes, perhaps it's unrequited, taken for granted and not reciprocated...but still, I am willing to do it as long as she is happy.

I been telling myself that I should not expect too much from her, bcos I tried it before and I hate the outcome. I decided sometime ago that I am never going to be honest wif my feelings towards her anymore, so wad's left of it...

I tried drawing the line for 2 mths, but when bad things happened to her...I broke thru the line again. While it seems that she's been reliant on me and I was there most of the time, me too actually have my times when I need to rely on someone, and she was there for me too. I can't deny that. But most of the time, she's the reason that I am upset about, and I know I can't rely on her for this.

Okay, I shld just take a step back and look at the big picture. I am just following what my heart wans to do, so fine...I will just keep reminding myself not to put in too much emotions into it. Everything as at now is worth it, till she proves me wrong tt I judge her wrongly. Even if by then I realise it's not worth it, I very well deserved it.

Growing up is bad for health

There seems to be alot of thoughts running through my mind, yet I can't pinpoint exactly what it is...seem to have lost the ability to express how I feel, by mouth and by words...very bad.

Hmm, put it this way bah...a part of me felt missing, just missing. I don't feel the urge to connect with alot of people anymore, secondary sch frzs, poly frzs, NS mates...except for a couple or so. Disappointment is indeed taking its toil on me and my life. I realise as we grow up, pple starts to go their own ways, lead their own lives...which is perfectly understandable, but what is in the past gets eroded by the wave of time, gradually but surely...Rmb the times when we were younger and we thought that forever frzs are possible betw u and yr close frz(s)...to now, forever frzs is nothing more than a pricey bear...that nian shao de tian zhen, had been vapourised with the passing of time.

Yea, I am talking like a child...one that can't grow up to the cruelty of world, one that keep reminiscing about the beauty of the past, one that can't accept the realities of the future. Honestly speaking, I rather stay a kid always than to grow up losing the beautiful memories as a youngster. But...it's impossible I know.

Nothing is definite in life, frzs today may not be so tomorrow, neither does foes. People who made u promise that u wun abandon them, may jolly well turn out to be the one that wants u to give them up...so Alan learns his lesson: not to put in too much emotions when dealing with frzs, must be a professional friend, lyk how buddy deals with it, be nice to pple but not obligated.